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When My Heart Goes Out Walking Around….

These days, my heart belongs to 3 others bodies, besides my own {and one grown up body, if you count my hubs}. In fact, I think they have larger portions of that organ than I posses myself…..which can’t be safe for me at all.

It’s a really weird thing to experience, this sharing of my heart with others. I mean, I have been in a family before this one that me and hubby created, it’s just that the love I send out into the world with these kids of ours is much more intense for some reason. I used to think that maybe this was because these little people were made from us…literally. But that doesn’t factor in for #3 who isn’t from us biologically, but still carries just as big a piece of my heart as her silly sisters.

Whatever it is that makes this heart of mine feel so deeply for people who are completely separate from me, really surprises me sometimes. The way my heart aches for my family is beyond anything I ever imagined I could ever feel. There are even times when I can physically feel the heartache….I’m not kidding. It’s like, “what’s this? A heart attack because my daughter fell down and skinned her knee or had a disagreement with a friend?”

My kiddos go out into the world with my heart….yes, my heart with them at all times. I worry when they worry, I cry when they cry, and I am grateful when I hear that others take good care of their needs when I can’t be there to do it myself. I can’t help it, I just do. I even worry before they realize they have something to worry about {what’s that you say, teenage years?}

I love these kids {and hubs} so much! I look into their eyes when they are telling me about their days and I just want to fold them up and carry them around in my pocket to keep them safe. I wonder what others think about my girls, how much they like them, how much they think we are messed up as parents. I try to read their teachers’ expressions when we talk about progress and their friends’ parents when I pick them up from play dates. I wonder if my kiddos are judged solely by their behavior when they are away from us or even their test scores.

When My Heart Goes Out Walking Around.... By: NotSoIdleHands.comThis is a photo of my friend’s sweet baby’s tiny feet

This whole thing started with our sweet oldest daughter. She is so smart and responsible and I always know I can count on her to help out in any situation….even when she really doesn’t want to. I love her silly side as well as how totally creative she is {I wonder why….}. She is also very shy and¬†sensitive and worries about too much for as young as she is {I know, hypocrite much?} I hope she finds the kind of true friends she will need in this world….people she can lean on in the tough times, as well as the good. She is the child that I gave part of my heart to first and I never thought I would be able to love anyone else as much as I loved her the instant I held her in my arms for the first time.

Our middle girlie is very sweet and giving too. In fact, she would give you the last bite of her cupcake if you asked {yes, I saw her do it once….that’s how I know}. She has the unique ability to not let things people say bother her so much, but still keeps her sweetness. She is bubbly and funny but daydreams and forgets things a lot {especially ¬†important papers from school we were supposed to see a week ago}. I worry everyday that someone will take advantage of her giving nature or betray her desire to trust others. I wonder if others see this about her as well and give her room to be her daydreaming self. I gave this one a part of my heart when I thought that I had already given all my love away and was surprised to see that it swelled inside of me again when I first looked deep into her big blue eyes {yes, they are still big and blue}.

I obviously also worry about our youngest who has had many labels in her young life. I don’t want anyone to pre~judge her when they see “ADHD”, “Developmental Delays”, or “IEP” on her school forms. I know she won’t see the looks she gets, or understand that she is being treated differently by her peers. But, I see those things. And well, like I said….I worry. I want everyone to see the awesome little person we see. I want them to see how infectiously happy she can get about the little things and how she blurts out the funniest {and most random} things all the time. I want others to know that she may only be 5, but she belts out songs along with the radio like her silly mom. This feisty girl got the last part of my heart, but definitely just as big. I first came to know her through a couple of bad photos in my email inbox, but when they brought that tiny thing {she was only 9 lbs at 15 months old} into the waiting area and let us meet her…..I felt that last piece of my heart go out to her.

I know that I’ll never get those parts of my heart back….not that I want them back. I gave them all willingly {for the most part} and I hope that someday those sweet girlies will be able to feel what it’s like to love someone else that deeply too. I also know I’m not the only one out there with pieces of my heart walking around out in the world. Every day that I drop of the kids at school I can see the devotion other parents have for their kids. The looks full of hope and love as a mom or dad kisses their child and intently watches them walk to the playground before turning to go back to the car. The love that emanates from parents at performances and recitals. The anxiety written on every parents face as they watch their child go off to their first day of school or summer camp trusting others to take care of their sweet ones in their absence.

Yes, I know that being a parent is a tough job, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I know it’s weird to say, but I love all the fear, worry, anxiety, and frustration that come with being a mom. It helps me better appreciate all the love, kindness, devotion, and caring that I see around me because of my kiddos.

I love the tiny hands around my waist when I get hugs, and the 3 little sets of eyes staring at me in my bed too early for a Satuday, waiting for me to wake up and make the waffles I promised for breakfast. I love that my kisses have magical powers to heal ouchies and embarrassing my kids in public by singing loudly and dancing along with any music playing.

I am happy to have given parts of my heart away, and would do it again in an instant knowing what I know now. I know that sounds super sappy, but there’s just no way around it if it’s the truth ;)

Have fun!

When My Heart Goes Out Walking Around.... By: NotSoIdleHands.com

I just added these cool vintage style French square milk bottle to my Etsy store….come check them out!

About Emily Mcdonald

Emily McDonald is the owner of Not So Idle Hands and lives in Colorado with her hot hubby and 3 cute daughters. When she's not battling ADHD, Fibro, or Migraines she loves to be downstairs playing with all her pretty crafty things making fun stuff. She also runs an awesome Etsy Shop by the same name where she gets to sell shiny supplies to make pretty stuff {check it out!}.

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